The Gringo Psychiatrist
As a native of South Texas, my first seven years were spent about fifty miles from the Mexican border, and my Spanish was pretty good growing up. For a long time, at least into my 50's my conversational Spanish was strong enough to navigate most situations, and Hispanic families appreciated my love of their language. There are times, though, when a psychiatrist's use of language breaks down (even in native English, by the way), and things get comical.
My use of Spanish slowed down as the world became more "politically correct." I recall a situation 20 years ago when I was seeing a Spanish-speaking family from Mexico, and my co-therapist was a somewhat stiff, hypersensitive woman who seemed put off by my ability to communicate bilingually. As the session began, I was discussing the family's love of futbol (soccer), and they asked me what Spanish television shows were my favorites. I mentioned a comedy show and repeated a joke about marriage that I had heard, and then I made my big mistake.
It's hilarious when you blunder like this,
unless you have a toad as a co-therapist.
I attempted to translate the joke so my female colleague (more about toads in a moment) would understand. I emphasize here that she knew not one word of Spanish. She was also not the sharpest knife in the drawer. As a psychotherapist she was, as we say, two tacos short of a Mexican plate. Although what I was translating (Spanish to English) for my colleague was innocent enough for family television, it involved a man not getting home on time and his wife's displeasure, a scene that could have been from "Everybody Loves Raymond." One of the lines had something to do with going to bed late, and my stuffy colleague was aghast that I had mentioned "going to bed," assuming that this meant "having sex." The joke was not about sex. It was about getting home late.
La risa es el mejor remedio.
To make a long story short, my colleague (pictured above) reported me to "the management" and accused me of "unethical and inappropriate use of sexual language in the context of therapy," saying that she (not the family!) was "offended by my insensitivity to [her] gender and [her] values as a female." I was so astonished that I laughed out loud when the guy from human resources told me that I'd been "written up." I walked him step-by-step through my version of the story, and that was the end of the investigation. It was also the end of my relationship with the toady co-therapist. That's an hour of my life I'll never get back. Nada que valga la pena se logra sin crear conflictos.
Speaking of toads, if you're speaking Spanish you have to be careful with some phrases. You might get written up and investigated by Human Resources if you commit the following errors.
1. Sapo
Clean meaning: Toad
Dirty meaning: A lady’s hoo-ha
There’s no way to avoid the crassness, no matter your context or technically perfect Spanish. If you’re not speaking to biologists, maybe you could pretend you only know the word for frog (rana).
2. Concha
Clean meaning: Seashell
Dirty meaning: female wedding tackle, naughty bits
This word makes appearances in many explicit phrases used to curse people out, such as “¡Concha [de] tu madre!” and the weirder “¡Concha [de] la lora!”
3. Perra
Clean meaning: Female dog
Dirty meaning: Floozie, bitch, etc.
This darn gendered language seems like it’s designed to cause these problems on purpose. You automatically have to define a dog as a male or female dog when speaking, either a perro or perra. In English, we have our own vulgar word that technically means “female dog” but is almost never used for that reason. Spanish uses “female dog” for another insult, namely “a woman of loose morals” or “a loose woman who’s had many lovers.”
4. Comerse
Clean meaning: To eat (reflexive)
Dirty meaning: To do the deed
Don't try telling stories about the wolf eating Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother.
5. Rica
Clean meaning: Wealthy (when referring to people), delicious (when referring to food)
Dirty meaning: Delicious (when referring to people)
You can make a similar mistake if you’re still confusing ser and estar and want to describe someone as “a good person.” If you say that “Ella está buena” instead of “Ella es buena,” look out for some raised eyebrows—you just said that “She’s a hot piece of tail,” not that “She’s a good human being.”
6. Culo vs. Nalga vs. Trasero
Clean meaning: Butt
Dirty meaning: Butt
Okay, the dirtiness here is caused by a common mix-up between the two words listed above. Culo is a raunchy word that impressionable Spanish learners often pick up by listening to too much reggaeton.
Nalga is a more benign word which means something akin to “butt,” “butt cheeks” when plural and “lil’ butt cheeks” when phrased more diminutively as nalguitas—but despite being more anatomical it’s still moderately crude.
Stick with trasero, which comes out sounding more like the English “behind,” and you’ll be polite in anyone’s company.
7. Grasa
Clean meaning: Fat, oil
Dirty meaning: Fat
You may have learned that grasa technically means fat, but that doesn’t mean you should refer to your own body fat or someone’s else’s that way. Instead say, “Tengo unas libras de más” (I have a few extra pounds), rather than pointing to yourself and talking about nasty, greasy lard.
8. Huevos
Clean meaning: Eggs
Dirty meaning: The two amigos, i.e. testicles
You can always use huevitos if you want to make sure you don’t bungle this one up. In some countries—I myself am only aware of this happening in parts of Mexico—some native speakers defer to blancos when they’re discussing eggs.
9. Pelotas
Clean meaning: Smaller balls (as opposed to balón or bola which refer to a larger ball) used in sporting events
Dirty meaning: The two amigos, nuts, family jewels, etc.
You may be talking about tennis equipment, but this is one I've stumbled with. It's hilarious when you blunder like this, unless you have a sapo as a co-therapist with a bug in her culo.
My thanks to Maureen Stimola, from whom I blatantly stole this list. The sexism and political incorrectness in the main text of this post, however, is entirely my own. If you are offended, "Estás perro si bien pendejo."